WILDLY GATHERING TESTIMONY

There are times when life can be too fast paced, speeding past our beating hearts. And I had learnt some months earlier in my waiting, that the only way to live life is slow enough to take in moments. Because that's what life is - a string of moments.

I believed and bound that piece of wisdom round my neck. Until God plonked me in the middle of the advertising world where everything is an emergency and your days are not your own.

So there I was - unschooled to the rules and heart racing. Each morning would have me take a deep breathe when I walked into the office and then breathe out when I left. I was leaving work, yes, but never quite leaving the office. Somehow, I became the antelope that so desperately wants to lazily enjoy grass but panics at the slightest flutter or sound. And I was that way for a little close to a month.

Needless to say, it was hard to enjoy work. Life itself felt like a chore every waking and sleeping moment. I tried to talk about it with friends or anyone, but words... Words would fail me.

Me who had been told by God that I was not cheated into the place I was in, but that I was chosen. And I was reminded of this by brethren often and a long silence would ensue after. Chosen. All it would take was one look at my circumstance and what everyone was saying about me in light of it to fold in the palm of the world. Folded. Foetal. Small. I forgot how strong I am and would fight the pressures of work with weak bleeding fists. And I would fail. Everyday.

I was inconsolable. Knowing truth. Binding it around my neck but crippled by a raging fear storming deep inside of me because of how things looked like.

And that's always tough. When you know truth but don't seem to know how well to express it through you. That's bondage. And I was living bound for weeks.

But this wonderful spring morning, rain so fresh on the ground and clouds canopying above the sky, I heard God tell me that Eden is not a place but a person. That if one of us is missing, there's no Eden. And I nodded, saying, "That's true," as I packed my lunch and begun my long walk to the bus stop, not slowing down enough to realize what He meant.

But the walk was different. God pulled and tore at the mask on my heart. Too tired to fight, I wept. Talking. Walking. Weeping silently melting the hurt within.

He reminded me of every song He put in my heart so deep and high enough to gush out of me. That they were reservoirs for moments like this. Songs about how He will be near to guide me in my darkest hour. Songs about how He's conquered all and that I should believe. Songs about how no matter where I am or go, that there's testimony. Songs about how the only thing that matters is just to be close.

And I wept. When I let myself break in His presence (an instruction I honoured 4 days too late) I walked back into an Eden that I can carry with me. Because Eden is a person. God with us. Dwelling with and in us. Omni-accessible.

And oh how I needed Him today. You see, today was the hardest day at work but I had peace. Peace who is a Person - Christ. And I was calm. There were many mistakes, failures, demands that were unavoidably unmet but I was calm and at peace. Almost like I was still in bed wrapped around a blanket in this cold. And I loved it. I love it.

It's taken much time, but I realize (perceive, know and affirm truly) that God placing me where He has is not 'plonking' but positioning. He is firmly setting me in something too big to grasp right now but i'm ok, at rest and swaddled in Him. And I like it here. Moved in for keeps. There was always a place reserved for me. And there is one for you too. Always.

So this is me wildly gathering all the testimony I was too blind to see lying around me like low hanging fruit. Guess all I had to do was reach out.

* Thank You God for a job that is bigger than me - to grow me
* Thank You God for the best colleagues and bosses. Their hearts... It's hard not to love them
* Thank You God for family that has been standing with me while I was shortsighted and squinting at the big picture and David, who had gone before me, walking with me
* Thank You that this job has the makings of calling out authority and excellence in me
* Thank You because You never give raw deals if only we keep quiet enough to listen to Your heart
* Thank You because You know it all, and for all the right reasons

Love,
Your Daughter who's learning Your wonderful Heart

LOVE IS LAYING DOWN

There are no standing lovers. None. 

Love is in the laying down of self, of agendas, 

thoughts, ambitions and everything in between for another 

~ Ann Voskamp ~ 

(paraphrased)

Loving, laying down is a voluntary act. So you want to love as Christ loved the church? It's an act. It's a risk. It will take all of you. But it'll be worth it.

John 10:11

"I am the Good Shepherd. The Good Shepherd risks and lays down His [own] life for the sheep."

John 10:18 part 1

"No one takes it away from Me. On the contrary, I lay it down voluntarily. [I put it from Myself.]"

We've romanticized the very essence of loving someone as Christ loved the church. I hear it mentioned when men tell their girlfriend's of their commitment to them and in people's vows. And lately, I can't help but laugh because many don't realize it is a vow. And God honours those. He doesn't forget those. And for words spoken to "sound deeply committed" without understanding of the true essence of it, God begins to burrow hearts for depth and understanding. And my, my! You bleed those words into being. You asked for it. No one forced your hand into speaking it.

Love is stripping down to your bare minimums, fastening a servant's towel around your waist and washing feet (John 13:4-5) Isn't it funny that loving is humbling - the very doing of it. Because many times we are quick to speak but it's the doing or lack of that exposes us. And Peter, speaking rashly on that day (John 13:37), paid a hefty price for his truthful promise to Christ later by dying a painful death. Risky. Willingly. Voluntarily. As Christ laid down His life.

Leave alone men to their wives (but still, Jesus so desires it), would you lay down your life for brethren at church? What of brethren that you've never met? I'm not trying to be dramatic. This is not Sparta. But would you gladly inconvenience yourself for the ease, comfort and wellbeing of another? Tough. Makes blood and guts look easy. But this is how they shall know that we are His - when we love one another and serve one another (John 13:14-15, 1 John 3:16) It is our obligation to each other as brethren.

But boy, does the church love to lead! Wooh! We looooooove the front-lines. We love the choir, but we especially love the men of the collar. We love the thought of one day getting to sit at the front centre of the church but we forget that the position we are wishing for is a greater place to carry others, to lift and wash with prayers, to shepherd (John 13:3-4) It's responsibility and there's a price you have to pay for it. It's not solely about holding the mic and speaking wisdom and truth and prophecy. That's just him/her sharing their downloads from their back-room with God. The real work is in the prayer closet. It's all sweat, long days and late nights yielding and covering a people that God has called to be equipped for greater works than these (John 14:12)

Greater works... There's some work involved. And it's outside of your comfort zone. It calls for laying down to serve. For kneeling. For stripping. And there are no superstars in the kingdom of God. None. Only sons with a serving heart.

It's true: It will take all of you. But my God! It's worth it.

In Need of Filling: Song of the desert

Dear ones, I am aching. I'm desperately sick and tired; lost in what seems like a perpetual longing. And I am fainting. I've forgotten the taste of water. This wasteland i'm in sucks up the slightest trace of water before it finds way through the spaces in me.

I've been walking for miles on end, parched and thirsty and crawling on days when the heat is unbearable. Each day is hot. Each day is unbearable. I'm weak from dragging my withered flesh over sand dunes. It's getting harder to breathe. Still I push on.

Didn't He promise to lift me up and never leave me thirsty whenever i'm weak, lost and searching?

Isaiah 41:18

"I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water."

Be strong heart of mine. Don't give up. Be strong heart of mine. Don't give up. Be strong heart of mine. Don't give up.

Seek Him.

My masks have wasted away. My face is lined with desperation. Words fail me. Food leaves me hollow than before. I am cavernous and panting. Nothing else will do.

But didn't He promise?

Isaiah 43:19

"Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

I'm thirsty and I need filling.

Because the ocean is a desert that drowned. And this wasteland i'm in is in desperate need for water.