WILDLY GATHERING TESTIMONY

There are times when life can be too fast paced, speeding past our beating hearts. And I had learnt some months earlier in my waiting, that the only way to live life is slow enough to take in moments. Because that's what life is - a string of moments.

I believed and bound that piece of wisdom round my neck. Until God plonked me in the middle of the advertising world where everything is an emergency and your days are not your own.

So there I was - unschooled to the rules and heart racing. Each morning would have me take a deep breathe when I walked into the office and then breathe out when I left. I was leaving work, yes, but never quite leaving the office. Somehow, I became the antelope that so desperately wants to lazily enjoy grass but panics at the slightest flutter or sound. And I was that way for a little close to a month.

Needless to say, it was hard to enjoy work. Life itself felt like a chore every waking and sleeping moment. I tried to talk about it with friends or anyone, but words... Words would fail me.

Me who had been told by God that I was not cheated into the place I was in, but that I was chosen. And I was reminded of this by brethren often and a long silence would ensue after. Chosen. All it would take was one look at my circumstance and what everyone was saying about me in light of it to fold in the palm of the world. Folded. Foetal. Small. I forgot how strong I am and would fight the pressures of work with weak bleeding fists. And I would fail. Everyday.

I was inconsolable. Knowing truth. Binding it around my neck but crippled by a raging fear storming deep inside of me because of how things looked like.

And that's always tough. When you know truth but don't seem to know how well to express it through you. That's bondage. And I was living bound for weeks.

But this wonderful spring morning, rain so fresh on the ground and clouds canopying above the sky, I heard God tell me that Eden is not a place but a person. That if one of us is missing, there's no Eden. And I nodded, saying, "That's true," as I packed my lunch and begun my long walk to the bus stop, not slowing down enough to realize what He meant.

But the walk was different. God pulled and tore at the mask on my heart. Too tired to fight, I wept. Talking. Walking. Weeping silently melting the hurt within.

He reminded me of every song He put in my heart so deep and high enough to gush out of me. That they were reservoirs for moments like this. Songs about how He will be near to guide me in my darkest hour. Songs about how He's conquered all and that I should believe. Songs about how no matter where I am or go, that there's testimony. Songs about how the only thing that matters is just to be close.

And I wept. When I let myself break in His presence (an instruction I honoured 4 days too late) I walked back into an Eden that I can carry with me. Because Eden is a person. God with us. Dwelling with and in us. Omni-accessible.

And oh how I needed Him today. You see, today was the hardest day at work but I had peace. Peace who is a Person - Christ. And I was calm. There were many mistakes, failures, demands that were unavoidably unmet but I was calm and at peace. Almost like I was still in bed wrapped around a blanket in this cold. And I loved it. I love it.

It's taken much time, but I realize (perceive, know and affirm truly) that God placing me where He has is not 'plonking' but positioning. He is firmly setting me in something too big to grasp right now but i'm ok, at rest and swaddled in Him. And I like it here. Moved in for keeps. There was always a place reserved for me. And there is one for you too. Always.

So this is me wildly gathering all the testimony I was too blind to see lying around me like low hanging fruit. Guess all I had to do was reach out.

* Thank You God for a job that is bigger than me - to grow me
* Thank You God for the best colleagues and bosses. Their hearts... It's hard not to love them
* Thank You God for family that has been standing with me while I was shortsighted and squinting at the big picture and David, who had gone before me, walking with me
* Thank You that this job has the makings of calling out authority and excellence in me
* Thank You because You never give raw deals if only we keep quiet enough to listen to Your heart
* Thank You because You know it all, and for all the right reasons

Love,
Your Daughter who's learning Your wonderful Heart

Love and purpose is for the brave

PS: This will be a long emotional (it will incite different emotions) post. I mean well. In every way, I do. The choice to read and heed is yours. Very well...

When I got into a relationship early this year, the conversations that were happening around me with the girls I was hanging with were just... It was good I was silent.

                                

The girls would give me that squinty look that says, "You are a brave, brave, brave soul to say yes to be in a relationship with him." And i'd be lying if i said it didn't sting me. It did. But I forgive you.

But here's why: The girls were talking about the kind of men they would want to get married to or be in a relationship with. Most of the generic answers were that he has to be tall, buff (definitely well built) and i'm sure though it was never vocalized, a number of them probably muttered rich under their breath. But definitely not any of the men that were around them at the moment, that is: short, chubby, skinny, younger than me or immature (i believe was mentioned) and maybe, just maybe someone who is a student (i sense familiarity and a lack of discernment of the men around them)

And they went on to describe just how brave I was because those were the very things they wouldn't sign up for. If brave is choosing purpose over shortsighted imagination, then i'm it!

I don't think some ladies are single because they haven't met the right guy. I think it's because if you knew who God has in mind you would straight on reject him and miss out on purpose a.k.a you still have an aspect of immaturity in you. Purpose is never far away.

You see, a lot of us girls will miss it if we're stuck and hellbent on shallow irrelevant particulars of the men to get married to.

Brief background >>>

2012 for me was a year of healing from a lot, a lot, as in A LOT, of things. I wasn't ready for a relationship because I was in pain and healing from my past. One conversation with my friend Marie led us to talk about the kind of guy we would want to marry and this was my response: Someone who will love me, who will stay (committed guy) someone who won't lie to me, and someone keen on their relationship with God (spiritually mature or growing to it) No physicals or other qualities, she asked. No. Not coz I was awesome. I've just always been open and thought that way. In the past I had dated short, tall, younger, chubby, buff, brown, dark, all sortsa tribes, I was never choosy. That's just how i've been.

So I stayed single through 2012 and kept turning down the few guys that showed interest. Why? I wasn't ready yet. Then 2013 God just turns it all around and then boom, I agree to be in a relationship (coz He had been leading me to warm up to a good friend of mine and now boyfriend)

In my head, I was doubting that i was ready. I mean, I was warming up to the idea of being in a relationship, the how and whom was what I asked God to fill. And so He did. And both David (my boyfriend) and I said yes.

And then the brave stares and the questions.

The girls: "You don't mind that he has a bit of a tummy?" (My nicer rendition)

Me: No. Not really.

The girls: I dunno if i'd be ok with someone who has a big 'tumbo'.

Me: *nods and smiles awkwardly*

Because in all honesty, my tummy ain't flat either way!! And he's hot to me.

Movies and TV are killing this generation! People want to get married to a prize and fail to consider whether they are also a prize to the guy anyway. I'm wrong? Ok then, why? Why does he have to be tall, and buff and working (substituted with loaded)? Is it so that others can envy you or be jealous of you? Think about it honestly.

Because many people are missing out on purpose and God's will because of a shallow checklist they wrote down inspired by Hollywood chick flicks.

I'm not trying to rubbish the tall, buff, loaded guy. No way. He worked to get there and kudos for that. And, he might just as well be God's will for you. Not because of his looks remember, but because of the life you are to build together in light of the purpose of God over both of your lives.

And anyway, who said that broad shoulders are what carry and sustain a marriage? It's God and how a man carries you and your family in the spirit.

But if you've discounted everyone else for a particular looking guy such that if another guy that is God's will and in line with His purpose for your life is brought to the picture it's a deal breaker because he doesn't fit in your checklist, then I feel very sorry for you.

Because it is God who packages purpose. You see, when God tells you He's heard your prayers and His desire, will and purpose is for you to be with so and so (insert name), He's not making a suggestion. He's not a match maker that will parade different men to you so that you pick whoever is to your liking. He is God. His ways are higher than ours and He's seen the end from the beginning. He is saying, "In light of My purpose and My will for your life and your future, this is whom I have found suitable for you." And what should follow this grace from God is gratitude. Not disappointment.

That's why many times when you dream about getting married or being in a relationship, the person in the dream tends to be headless (as in you can't see their face no matter how hard you try) It's because the person you marry/get married to is not necessarily a particular person but an expression of the eternal purpose of God over your life/lives. My friend Justin helped elucidate that once. Thanks Justo.

And I repeat this again, there may be other reasons God has not ushered you into a divine relationship but this may be one of them: the fact that you have shallow expectations of the kind of person you should be with.

Here's the thing, the Israelites could have been in the desert for 1 year rather than 40 years if they would have been prepared mentally and spiritually for Canaan. It's just that it took them 40 years and even then, the older generation died because they were stubborn and just weren't getting it.

It's not that God was mean and vindictive and trying to teach the Israelites a lesson. If anything, 40 years was God being patient and gracious toward them. He'd have been stoked if they took 3 weeks. He would. God really would have been excited.

It's a principle of exiting and entering. You need to exit right (leave those things behind - attitudes, mindsets, baggage) before you enter right. And your willingness to obey and incline to the voice of God determines how long it takes you to exit before you enter. It's all you really.

Also, not to rubbish the fact that God does honour some or all your desires.

Growing up, I loved the idea of getting married soon after Uni to a guy I met at Uni, like my folks did. I loved the thought of building a life together from scratch straight out of Uni, like my folks did. Let's just say i was inspired by my parents' story. And when in 2012 I thought all hope toward that was lost (to the point that I got excited about meeting and growing in love with someone I would get to know), in 2013 God revived a dead hope with someone I had thought was lost to me (as in i had humanly burned every bridge towards us ever being together. Haha!)

And truly, David is my favourite 2013 gift from God to me. He's all the man I need. He is.

What i've been trying to say in this long post (that many will not comment on or like which is perfect to me) is that we should let go of Hollywood and Hallmark and all those shallow standards we cling to as the way to go. Let God lead you to someone right for you as He sees best and He might surprise you. Reality may just as well be better than the utopia you were hellbent on getting.

And the truth is: love and purpose is for the brave who choose to obey God.

That is all.

Treasures in the wilderness

There are places we take ourselves to heal. Places that God leads us to though we don't realize. Theirs was such a story. A story that always seemed to have her running toward her destiny.

It all began when the promise seemed to tarry. Her mistress, Sarai, was barren and in desperate need for a child. And desperate needs beget desperate decisions - some hasty and regrettable to the myopic eye. So when asked to lay with Abram, Sarai's husband, so that she may bear him a child, Hagar willingly obliged.

She became pregnant. And as her belly swelled, so did her contempt and despise for her mistress. She had forgotten that she was first a maid, then a secondary wife, but wasn't she the one with child? Sarai could have none of it so she troubled her and afflicted her till she was forced to flee.

And she ran as far into the wilderness as her swollen legs could carry her only stopping by a spring for rest and to cool her parched throat. Then the Angel of the Lord appeared to her and spoke the very words she was running from.

"Go back to your mistress and [humbly] submit to her control."

Return? To Sarai? His words shook her. Then He added:

"I will multiply your descendants exceedingly, so that they shall not be numbered for multitude. See now, you are with child and shall bear a son, and shall call his name Ishmael [God hears], because the Lord has heard and paid attention to your affliction. And he [Ishmael] will be as a wild ass among men; his hand will be against every man and every man’s hand against him, and he will live to the east and on the borders of all his kinsmen." (Genesis 16)

Yes. Her painful exit from her mistress' house, though justified, was hasty. She now realized that. The wilderness was no place for a weak and pregnant woman also carrying a promise. That's what Ishmael, the tiny one forming in her, was. A promise. For she had looked upon the face of the One who sees and heard His purposes and designs for her through her unborn. And every time she would look upon his face, she would remember that the Lord hears. So she returned to her mistress and Ishmael was born.

Many years passed by. The same God that visited her changed the names of her master and mistress, for they were no longer Abram and Sarai, but Abraham and Sarah. Even so, God's promise to give Abraham a son through Sarah, was fulfilled and Isaac was born. And both Ishmael and Isaac grew together.

Then came the fateful day when Sarah saw Ishmael, with the folly of a 17 year old boy, mock Isaac, her 3 year old son that she was weaning. She went to Abraham, again, complaining that he send Hagar and Ishmael away. It grieved him, but he complied; only because God told him to and because He reminded Him of His promise to make Ishmael into a great nation (Genesis 17:20, 21:13)

Oh how history repeats itself! There she was again, gathering herself and her son leaving, this time for good. All she had with her, was the bottle of water and bread that Abraham gave her. So she wandered on aimlessly and lost her way in the wilderness of Beersheba.

When the water in the bottle was all gone, she left her son lying under a shrub and sat a good way off that she may not see him dying. The boy wept and she could hear him from a distance. She wept along with him. All hope was lost. But God heard the boy's cry and called to her. He had heard Ishmael's cry, and He reminded her of His intention to make Him a great nation. Then He opened up her eyes and she saw a well and filled the empty bottle with water that Ishmael might drink of it. And they were strong again; not only because they finally had water to drink, but because of His word and promise to them. So they lived out their days in the wilderness, the very place God had destined them to thrive (Genesis 21:1-21)

The story of Hagar and Ishmael is one of divine sustenance. It's a story that reminds us that man does not live on bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Yes. And how His promises are YES and AMEN.

And this echoes as I read their story: that there is a fruitfulness awaiting you in the land of your affliction.

When you think of a desert or wilderness, you're unlikely to picture shiny happy people laughing as they cool their feet in large pools of water. Or places teeming with life and animals. What comes to mind is tiny shrubs and sand dunes that stretch as far as the eye can see. And sand storms. Many, many sand storms. That's what I see. Then it hit me...

Isn't this our view of process?

Don't we see it as nothingness that stretches on for months?

Don't we picture ourselves fighting for life in the desert - a place stinking of death and rot?

Don't we find it to be the least enjoyable experience ordained of God?

Even more, don't we think of it as a punishment?

And if we don't, don't we often doubt that it is of God?

If only God could open our eyes that we see process through His eyes. That's what God had to do for Hagar.

She had been chased away from her only semblance to a home into the wilderness to begin life anew carrying nothing but the satchel of bread and bottle of water Abraham had sent her away with. As it turns out, it was not enough - man can only get you so far. She left Ishmael afar, afraid to watch him die because they were out of water and were running out of bread. Even more, they had no idea where they were and they had gotten lost severally as the wilderness stretched on for miles. She was resigned to fate and the very thing on her mind was their pending death. Not the promises of God.

Then He spoke to her, reminded her of His promise and caused her eyes to open - and she saw a well of water. And she drew from it and was strengthened.

Could it be that there was a well right where they were all that time?

Had their fatigue and resignment to fate caused them to be blinded to their troubles at the time and not the promise?

If only we remembered: that where God leads us to, there is grace and provision.

That is the wisdom that God so desires of us. That we be sensitive to His Spirit to the extent that whenever we experience something, be it good or bad, that we are able to perceive Christ within the experience and see Him exalted in it. Yes. Even in our sufferings and challenges!

Yet we live life thinking some of our circumstances catch Him unaware. That He is surprised when we go through some things when in fact, we're the ones that don't realize His soft Hand choreographing and ordering every circumstance in our lives. And His soft nudging leading us into the desert.

There is a well (divine sustenance as water is life) in every wilderness and desert experience we face. Because really, the desert or wilderness is a place of separation and spiritual heightening. It is a place of spiritual thriving where our human senses are numbed that our spirit man may thrive and our inner man be strengthened.

And just like Jesus expects us to bear fruit in and out of season (Matthew 21:18-20), being in the wilderness should be no excuse. If dates and olives thrive in the desert, as believers we have no excuse. 

Because this is the rich treasure locked up in the wilderness: Just like a tea bag tastes sweetest in hot water, so does the desert cause us to birth sweet, strong and resilient fruit. It is a place where God's promises become as real to you as your breath. It is where His promises become incandescent to us lighting the path to our feet.

Dear one, we are called to not only bear fruit but to also THRIVE in every circumstance we are in.

Wherever you go, in whatever situation you find yourself, choose to happen. Purpose to bear much fruit. You were born to thrive ESPECIALLY in the wilderness.

When Mountains Collide

Sometimes, a rose stinks of loss. When the red wasn't deep enough, we tossed it by the wayside to wither along with memories and promises of love from a season past. But two fighting seeds found a soft place to lie on the cracks in the pavement confounding two lovers who had given up. And so began our tale of a love that grew from concrete. One that is long and windingly beautiful that I will tell you someday.

Yet some days I forget. I forget how deep the Maker's Hand had to reach to etch indelible ink into our hearts. I forget that our story is essentially His story. We are simply two trustees of the power two imperfect people wield when they surrender to Him. Still, some days I forget.

I forget that he has the kindest eyes; eyes so full of love that hands have to reach out and hold me. And I pull away right when his heart calls loudest. I forget that the only way he knows how to wear his heart is on his forehead. And even though he bares it wide and open to me, some days I simply look back at him frozen. I forget that he has traces of me in the corner of his smile - one of those deep ones my soul sinks into - and still, some days I find myself fighting for air.

This thing called trust, I am yet to master. And this is truth: every issue in your life can find its source in a brokenness between you and your heavenly Father.

David and I are both rocks, built high like mountains with strong wills and opinions. And time after time, like firestones, when pride gets the best of us, we spark. He likes big dogs; I like small dogs. He likes football, and I really don't. Simple things. Trivial things. Almost anything is cause to light. It's the reason why we walked away easily at the possibility of "us" in the past. No one likes to burn.

But we are no longer in the past. This is a new season and a divine relationship ordained of God Himself. And I feel that for the most part, the old mind was still at work in me. All would be well between us until I raised dust where quiet streams should flow. You see, though we clashed, I can truly say that most times David reacted and I played arson. And the genesis was always at that place of trust.

Doubt. It creeps in and I find myself asking him to promise to do the very thing he said he would over and over and it drums his mind incessantly like a wood pecker. The very loudness being this: that I don't trust his words or his promises. And the gaping wound behind every lingering question I pose at him finds its source in that I still struggle to trust God from time to time (recap here)

And David gets to suffer the most from this because a man asks nothing much from his lady - only respect and trust, and the latter is my greatest failing. So we spark, and the collision dizzies me. Then I fall silent for a few hours collecting pieces of myself like a spilled drink.

The voices grow louder.

"You're not really good at this."

"He should just leave you unless you walk away first."

It stings me a while, so I ask God to quiet me with His love and still my heart. And I give thanks that David is one to stay in a burning room with me until the Spirit wind blows over us to cooling. Though I'm not good at this, I get better each day. God is teaching me how to be in a relationship and I'm paying attention.

And every time I feel like I'm not good enough or that my best always falls short of the mark, there's a sweeping grace that washes over me like raging waters. It reminds me that it's enough to rest in the palm of His Hands - that He multiplies in my situations of failure and fills me. And when I forget to breathe, grace - that wonderful spiritual oxygen - rushes in, presses into my face and resuscitates me when I think I can and forget that I should depend on Him. Yes. Even to truly love the man He has chosen for me. It is this understanding of grace that will lead me to trust - wholly, staggeringly, with ageless ease and abandon.

Because when mountains collide, lovers like us get burnt in the throes of anger and pride. But every fire is a lesson learnt.

God has called David and I to unity in Christ. To oneness. To Christ alone being the resident flame in our souls. That all may see us as one, ablaze for Him like the burning bush - burning, but not consumed.