I believed and bound that piece of wisdom round my neck. Until God plonked me in the middle of the advertising world where everything is an emergency and your days are not your own.
So there I was - unschooled to the rules and heart racing. Each morning would have me take a deep breathe when I walked into the office and then breathe out when I left. I was leaving work, yes, but never quite leaving the office. Somehow, I became the antelope that so desperately wants to lazily enjoy grass but panics at the slightest flutter or sound. And I was that way for a little close to a month.
Needless to say, it was hard to enjoy work. Life itself felt like a chore every waking and sleeping moment. I tried to talk about it with friends or anyone, but words... Words would fail me.
Me who had been told by God that I was not cheated into the place I was in, but that I was chosen. And I was reminded of this by brethren often and a long silence would ensue after. Chosen. All it would take was one look at my circumstance and what everyone was saying about me in light of it to fold in the palm of the world. Folded. Foetal. Small. I forgot how strong I am and would fight the pressures of work with weak bleeding fists. And I would fail. Everyday.
I was inconsolable. Knowing truth. Binding it around my neck but crippled by a raging fear storming deep inside of me because of how things looked like.
And that's always tough. When you know truth but don't seem to know how well to express it through you. That's bondage. And I was living bound for weeks.
But this wonderful spring morning, rain so fresh on the ground and clouds canopying above the sky, I heard God tell me that Eden is not a place but a person. That if one of us is missing, there's no Eden. And I nodded, saying, "That's true," as I packed my lunch and begun my long walk to the bus stop, not slowing down enough to realize what He meant.
But the walk was different. God pulled and tore at the mask on my heart. Too tired to fight, I wept. Talking. Walking. Weeping silently melting the hurt within.
He reminded me of every song He put in my heart so deep and high enough to gush out of me. That they were reservoirs for moments like this. Songs about how He will be near to guide me in my darkest hour. Songs about how He's conquered all and that I should believe. Songs about how no matter where I am or go, that there's testimony. Songs about how the only thing that matters is just to be close.
And I wept. When I let myself break in His presence (an instruction I honoured 4 days too late) I walked back into an Eden that I can carry with me. Because Eden is a person. God with us. Dwelling with and in us. Omni-accessible.
And oh how I needed Him today. You see, today was the hardest day at work but I had peace. Peace who is a Person - Christ. And I was calm. There were many mistakes, failures, demands that were unavoidably unmet but I was calm and at peace. Almost like I was still in bed wrapped around a blanket in this cold. And I loved it. I love it.
It's taken much time, but I realize (perceive, know and affirm truly) that God placing me where He has is not 'plonking' but positioning. He is firmly setting me in something too big to grasp right now but i'm ok, at rest and swaddled in Him. And I like it here. Moved in for keeps. There was always a place reserved for me. And there is one for you too. Always.
So this is me wildly gathering all the testimony I was too blind to see lying around me like low hanging fruit. Guess all I had to do was reach out.
* Thank You God for a job that is bigger than me - to grow me
* Thank You God for the best colleagues and bosses. Their hearts... It's hard not to love them
* Thank You God for family that has been standing with me while I was shortsighted and squinting at the big picture and David, who had gone before me, walking with me
* Thank You that this job has the makings of calling out authority and excellence in me
* Thank You because You never give raw deals if only we keep quiet enough to listen to Your heart
* Thank You because You know it all, and for all the right reasons
Love,
Your Daughter who's learning Your wonderful Heart
