In Need of Filling: Song of the desert

Dear ones, I am aching. I'm desperately sick and tired; lost in what seems like a perpetual longing. And I am fainting. I've forgotten the taste of water. This wasteland i'm in sucks up the slightest trace of water before it finds way through the spaces in me.

I've been walking for miles on end, parched and thirsty and crawling on days when the heat is unbearable. Each day is hot. Each day is unbearable. I'm weak from dragging my withered flesh over sand dunes. It's getting harder to breathe. Still I push on.

Didn't He promise to lift me up and never leave me thirsty whenever i'm weak, lost and searching?

Isaiah 41:18

"I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water, and the dry land springs of water."

Be strong heart of mine. Don't give up. Be strong heart of mine. Don't give up. Be strong heart of mine. Don't give up.

Seek Him.

My masks have wasted away. My face is lined with desperation. Words fail me. Food leaves me hollow than before. I am cavernous and panting. Nothing else will do.

But didn't He promise?

Isaiah 43:19

"Behold, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs forth; do you not perceive and know it and will you not give heed to it? I will even make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert."

I'm thirsty and I need filling.

Because the ocean is a desert that drowned. And this wasteland i'm in is in desperate need for water.

Treasures in the wilderness

There are places we take ourselves to heal. Places that God leads us to though we don't realize. Theirs was such a story. A story that always seemed to have her running toward her destiny.

It all began when the promise seemed to tarry. Her mistress, Sarai, was barren and in desperate need for a child. And desperate needs beget desperate decisions - some hasty and regrettable to the myopic eye. So when asked to lay with Abram, Sarai's husband, so that she may bear him a child, Hagar willingly obliged.

She became pregnant. And as her belly swelled, so did her contempt and despise for her mistress. She had forgotten that she was first a maid, then a secondary wife, but wasn't she the one with child? Sarai could have none of it so she troubled her and afflicted her till she was forced to flee.

And she ran as far into the wilderness as her swollen legs could carry her only stopping by a spring for rest and to cool her parched throat. Then the Angel of the Lord appeared to her and spoke the very words she was running from.

"Go back to your mistress and [humbly] submit to her control."

Return? To Sarai? His words shook her. Then He added:

"I will multiply your descendants exceedingly, so that they shall not be numbered for multitude. See now, you are with child and shall bear a son, and shall call his name Ishmael [God hears], because the Lord has heard and paid attention to your affliction. And he [Ishmael] will be as a wild ass among men; his hand will be against every man and every man’s hand against him, and he will live to the east and on the borders of all his kinsmen." (Genesis 16)

Yes. Her painful exit from her mistress' house, though justified, was hasty. She now realized that. The wilderness was no place for a weak and pregnant woman also carrying a promise. That's what Ishmael, the tiny one forming in her, was. A promise. For she had looked upon the face of the One who sees and heard His purposes and designs for her through her unborn. And every time she would look upon his face, she would remember that the Lord hears. So she returned to her mistress and Ishmael was born.

Many years passed by. The same God that visited her changed the names of her master and mistress, for they were no longer Abram and Sarai, but Abraham and Sarah. Even so, God's promise to give Abraham a son through Sarah, was fulfilled and Isaac was born. And both Ishmael and Isaac grew together.

Then came the fateful day when Sarah saw Ishmael, with the folly of a 17 year old boy, mock Isaac, her 3 year old son that she was weaning. She went to Abraham, again, complaining that he send Hagar and Ishmael away. It grieved him, but he complied; only because God told him to and because He reminded Him of His promise to make Ishmael into a great nation (Genesis 17:20, 21:13)

Oh how history repeats itself! There she was again, gathering herself and her son leaving, this time for good. All she had with her, was the bottle of water and bread that Abraham gave her. So she wandered on aimlessly and lost her way in the wilderness of Beersheba.

When the water in the bottle was all gone, she left her son lying under a shrub and sat a good way off that she may not see him dying. The boy wept and she could hear him from a distance. She wept along with him. All hope was lost. But God heard the boy's cry and called to her. He had heard Ishmael's cry, and He reminded her of His intention to make Him a great nation. Then He opened up her eyes and she saw a well and filled the empty bottle with water that Ishmael might drink of it. And they were strong again; not only because they finally had water to drink, but because of His word and promise to them. So they lived out their days in the wilderness, the very place God had destined them to thrive (Genesis 21:1-21)

The story of Hagar and Ishmael is one of divine sustenance. It's a story that reminds us that man does not live on bread alone but by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Yes. And how His promises are YES and AMEN.

And this echoes as I read their story: that there is a fruitfulness awaiting you in the land of your affliction.

When you think of a desert or wilderness, you're unlikely to picture shiny happy people laughing as they cool their feet in large pools of water. Or places teeming with life and animals. What comes to mind is tiny shrubs and sand dunes that stretch as far as the eye can see. And sand storms. Many, many sand storms. That's what I see. Then it hit me...

Isn't this our view of process?

Don't we see it as nothingness that stretches on for months?

Don't we picture ourselves fighting for life in the desert - a place stinking of death and rot?

Don't we find it to be the least enjoyable experience ordained of God?

Even more, don't we think of it as a punishment?

And if we don't, don't we often doubt that it is of God?

If only God could open our eyes that we see process through His eyes. That's what God had to do for Hagar.

She had been chased away from her only semblance to a home into the wilderness to begin life anew carrying nothing but the satchel of bread and bottle of water Abraham had sent her away with. As it turns out, it was not enough - man can only get you so far. She left Ishmael afar, afraid to watch him die because they were out of water and were running out of bread. Even more, they had no idea where they were and they had gotten lost severally as the wilderness stretched on for miles. She was resigned to fate and the very thing on her mind was their pending death. Not the promises of God.

Then He spoke to her, reminded her of His promise and caused her eyes to open - and she saw a well of water. And she drew from it and was strengthened.

Could it be that there was a well right where they were all that time?

Had their fatigue and resignment to fate caused them to be blinded to their troubles at the time and not the promise?

If only we remembered: that where God leads us to, there is grace and provision.

That is the wisdom that God so desires of us. That we be sensitive to His Spirit to the extent that whenever we experience something, be it good or bad, that we are able to perceive Christ within the experience and see Him exalted in it. Yes. Even in our sufferings and challenges!

Yet we live life thinking some of our circumstances catch Him unaware. That He is surprised when we go through some things when in fact, we're the ones that don't realize His soft Hand choreographing and ordering every circumstance in our lives. And His soft nudging leading us into the desert.

There is a well (divine sustenance as water is life) in every wilderness and desert experience we face. Because really, the desert or wilderness is a place of separation and spiritual heightening. It is a place of spiritual thriving where our human senses are numbed that our spirit man may thrive and our inner man be strengthened.

And just like Jesus expects us to bear fruit in and out of season (Matthew 21:18-20), being in the wilderness should be no excuse. If dates and olives thrive in the desert, as believers we have no excuse. 

Because this is the rich treasure locked up in the wilderness: Just like a tea bag tastes sweetest in hot water, so does the desert cause us to birth sweet, strong and resilient fruit. It is a place where God's promises become as real to you as your breath. It is where His promises become incandescent to us lighting the path to our feet.

Dear one, we are called to not only bear fruit but to also THRIVE in every circumstance we are in.

Wherever you go, in whatever situation you find yourself, choose to happen. Purpose to bear much fruit. You were born to thrive ESPECIALLY in the wilderness.

When Prison Gates don't open just yet

Recap here

When I was 12 years old, my mother thought it fit to buy me a book - 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. She came to my room and placed it on my bed when I was away doing whatever it is 12 year olds do. My return home went like clockwork: Eat dinner rushingly, then head straight for my room. And so I did; only to find a reddish bluish book cover with large font that spelt trouble for me. Yes. The large font read "7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens" but in my eyes, she was calling me trouble and the book was free therapy for her pubescent child. I hissed at it and sucked my teeth and put it on the table in the corner of my room. I purposed not to glorify her warped perception of me by reading the book. And I didn't, for a while...

In the coming days, there was a silence that hung about me, and the book seemed to have a glow about it. I found myself reaching out and holding it.

"I told myself not to read it, but it wouldn't hurt to know what it's about by reading the back cover," I reasoned.

And I did.

"Well that can't be enough. Read the acknowledgements and introduction. Just that," I told myself.

But a few pages led to a few chapters and after some time I was pouring myself into every page. It still is one of the best reads I recommend for teenagers. Of course, when I think about it, my mum, a learner with an insatiable ability to devour books, was simply feeding my inherited hunger to read with a book she thought would be helpful. She must have enjoyed her copy of "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" so my getting the book was her desire for me to acquire the same wisdom in a way that would speak to the heart of things in my life. And i'm thankful for it.

That book really opened my mind. I learnt about paradigm shifts. I learnt that I need to seek first before i'm understood when talking with others (the only habit I seem to remember and still need to practice) And most of all, I learnt that life is like an Olympic track field. Everyone has their own lane, only instead of it being open for all to see like the normal ones, each person's lane is separated from another's with high walls.

The lesson was this: It doesn't matter if your lane is littered with hurdles for the next couple of metres. It's your lane designed specifically just for you by God and you should go at your pace because the only one you are competing against is yourself. Even more, that no one helps their race by climbing up the wall to see how another is doing.

But don't we do that all the time?

Don't we look at other people getting into relationships and also hunt down for a companion as if life depends on it?

Don't we look at our friends getting married and feel like time is running out on us?

Don't we look at people having children and starting families and feel an inner sense of incompleteness?

Don't we look at people we know getting jobs so easily left right and centre and wallow in a pit of self condemnation (this one I still struggle with, honestly)

Again, what are we trying to prove and to whom?

Will it ever be enough?

If there's someone who I totally get right now in the Bible, it's Joseph. I just do. Like him, I had wonderful visions of how my life would turn out, but the process of getting there has been so tough. His brothers sold him as a slave to some merchants, but my family just looks at me with eyes that seem to shout, "You're letting yourself waste away. You have nothing to show for your life or education and you're just okay wasting away." And maybe that stings a little. A whole year and I still haven't found the right way to respond to their questions let alone to myself... Even more, in this season, like him, my incessant ache to run has quieted down because prison walls just aren't that big enough a track.

Prison here typifies a season of stillness, and waiting, and separation - just so I don't lose you. It's what I call God pushing pause on your life so that nothing interferes with what He's doing behind the scenes. Yes. Process. So unavoidable yet so necessary.

Anyway, there were times in the beginning of my prison days (LOL I had to) when I was bitter. Times when I felt like I deserved better and that I wasn't supposed to be in that place. I don't know if Joseph complained about being falsely accused by Potiphar's wife and then thrown into prison but I did. And I blamed the world and everything in it.

Weren't my grades great?

Hadn't I found my way back to God?

Wasn't I eager to do something, anything, to fill the "nothingness" (until God told me no)?

I was a battered person. In my definition, a battered person is someone who is going/has gone through a tough situation and survived and is laced with a godly wisdom that lifts up. Like Joseph, God brought on my way people who needed some counsel and advice. We'd talk and I'd encourage them, and their responses would be, "I thank God for using you to tell me this. It's just what I needed." And after a while, like the butler/cup bearer (Genesis 40) God would remove them out of the same funk we were in and into another place and I would be left in the same prison walls. Oh Joseph gets it!

I used to tell God, "Thank You for using me to be someone else's battered person, but can you send a battered person just for me on my way?" As if it is the battered person that elevates!

This remains true: the same God that lifts is the same God that brings low. And it's all for a greater purpose than we can comprehend at the time.

Oh how it broke me! I would hold myself together with tape and glue trying not to cry when God would push play in the lives of other people who were on hold like me. But I could only hold back the tears until the bus stop, and then I would leak on my way home.

The sad reality was that I was not confident in my process. I was not confident that God was working behind the scenes for His glory to bring me closer to the palace. I was elevating my circumstance above God's truth. And so I complained and wept and cried and kicked and screamed and sulked until God told me it does me no good (remember the Israelites in the wilderness?) Even worse, I was afraid to hope. Even when God would speak to me daily to encourage me that I was never alone, I would look at other's lanes and journeys and then at mine and I would doubt. 

"Why then was I less than?"

"Excuse me! Who told you that because it cannot be Me."

"Everything around me. Everything!"

"Have you learnt nothing my child?"

I had asked God sometime in April, "Why do I have to feel so alone and forgotten to know that I am not alone and that I am not forgotten?" Well, the answer to me was that faith has a different set of eyes that are not moved by what we see, hear or feel but by God's voice and His word alone (with an unshakable conviction that makes us say, truly, you are with me Lord)

And I realized my focus was set on everything but Him, and when my gaze would turn to Him, it would be for His Hand to move and rarely for His Heart. Still He kept encouraging me. How bad I need heaven-sight! I was too short sighted focussing on the here and now when that's not how the story begins. Yes. Begins. Not ends.

People were seeing the rain in my life and the flood around me, and I was looking on with them. So like Peter, I would often drown. Here's the thing though, they were not seeing me elevated through it. I was wading. My feet were not touching the ground and it scared me but I need not fear. God was and is right here with me carrying me through it and healing my mind and heart.

I needed to see beyond the lightning in my situation. I needed to listen beyond the howling wind and thunder surrounding me now and hear the Father's voice louder than everything else. That because God is here with me, I will not be moved or shaken.

Wasn't this the anchoring in Christ I so badly desired?

Aren't storms and turbulence what make a sailor sea worthy?

Why was I not inviting Christ to calm the storm raging in me?

Even more, why wasn't I praising?

I was living as though prison was an end in itself when yet it is a preparation of the season God is preparing me to enter into. God brought me low to learn some pertinent things and to form my character before He lifts me to a higher place of responsibility. Even then, life is all about moving forward trusting Him, and knowing that your life will make sense backwards. That's when the process makes sense - when you look back.

My time of lifting is closer than ever, but am I prepared? Joseph was. When Pharaoh called, he first shaved himself, changed his clothes and made himself presentable. He wasn't caught unawares. Why? He knew that he was being ushered into the next season. This was the elevation God had been preparing Him for all that time and he wasn't going to enter into it with the same clothes or the same countenance or mind set. He knew that he was in prison for such a time as this (Genesis 41)

So what do you do when the prison gates don't open just yet? You praise and praise and praise God who is at work behind the scenes. Because as you praise, you rise.

And this truth remains: When the prison gates don't open just yet, praise God. Because you're closer to the palace than ever!

For the Reachers

There are people who are resilient. People who see a door closing and punch through walls to get in. People who just don't give up. She was one of them. She had heard of Him and His works and that He was in her district. And she followed hard after Him with loud and urgent cries begging that He, her Lord, the Son of David, have mercy on her and deliver her daughter from demon possession. He did not answer. Not even when His disciples pleaded that He send her away. Her cries were irksome. And she was not going to stop. She was not growing weary. Only louder. And it was evident that she was going to follow them however long it took. This thing called perseverance...

"I was sent only to the lost sheep of the House of Israel."

Yes. He was not sent to do works there. Not to her people. Not at the time at least. And He was simply passing through the town to get to the sea of Galilee. Yet she, a Canaanite by birth presented with one closed door after another, came to Him and knelt before Him and ate of Him. She worshipped and asked her Lord to help her.

She was pleading for a bread that was before her time and she knew that. He knew that.

And He answered, "It is not right (proper, becoming, or fair) to take the children’s bread and throw it to the little dogs."

She was now presented with a wall so high and the option to walk away or still cry for bread, but her soul was fainting for bread. She had seen something so clearly and was going to get it. She was not going to leave His feet empty handed. Because really, walls are simply doors in need of a different set of instructions.

"Yes, Lord, yet even the little pups eat the crumbs that fall from their young masters’ table."

You see, when you're hungry for bread even when it isn't handed to you, crumbs suffice to whet your appetite for bread. And she was begging for bread. She, a Canaanite, was begging to receive her portion from Christ (the bread of life) before her time.

In the spirit realm, He saw her standing from the floor and seated on the table with her hand reaching, stretched out, taking and eating her portion of bread. How could He deny her? How could He say no to someone who's faith quantum leaped her and qualified her to receive something that was to be presented to her and her people at a later time? Faith is NOW (Hebrews 11:1) and hers was beckoning His Hand to move.

Then Jesus answered her, "O woman, great is your faith! Be it done for you as you wish." And her daughter was cured from that moment (Matthew 15:22-28 Amplified Version)

I have heard of this story every which way and for the longest time, I hungered for a fresh revelation from it. This time, I saw faith in the most visual sense.

Here was a Canaanite woman asking for the portion of the Israelites that Christ was sent to minister to. It seemed impossible. Jesus was sent to the House of Israel. The Greeks and Gentiles were to partake of Him after His death and resurrection when He tore the curtain in two so that all can have access to God through Him.

But she, forsaking her gods and beliefs, believed and knew that Christ was the Messiah that God had sent. She had submitted to His Lordship and saw Him as the Son of David, having engrafted herself in the family of God. In her eyes, she had accepted that Jesus came and that He had died to save people like her and that He resurrected. She was acting in faith that is NOW seeing the curtain torn, believing in her heart and confessing with her mouth that Jesus is Lord. And that is what qualified her to receive a miracle before her time (before Jesus actually died and resurrected)

You see, when you are in faith, you are in agreement with heaven’s reality, where everything is already done, finished, and completed. When you are operating in Faith you are operating in the eternal realm. In the kingdom, everything is first spiritual, and by faith we reach out and bring the promise into this natural three dimensional world. That's why God only responds to Faith. Faith transfers the answer from the spiritual realm to the natural realm.

Faith has eyes. The Canaanite woman's response attests to that. She had a revelation that declared that even the unworthy (dogs) still eat of bread crumbs from those eating bread at the table and though indirect, they were partaking of bread even in the smallest quantity because they chose to.

There's a lesson in there for each one of us. Revelation or "seeing" is the greatest asset of the life of faith. You have to believe in your heart that what you say with your mouth will come to pass and then be bold enough to say it, as bold as the Canaanite woman. 

The promise of God is this: If you can see it, provision comes with it. God does not frustrate you by giving you vision without provision.

Habakuk 2:3 paraphrased

"Your vision will not deceive or disappoint but it will surely come; it will not delay on its appointed day."

Maybe that's why God told Habakuk to write it down. Faith then becomes your title deed, proof and evidence. That's why Jesus could not deny her request.

And God does not ask for much, even that you have faith as small as a mustard seed (which is about the size of half a grain of rice). That's all He asks. Because faith is what makes our prayers (which are in line with God's perfect will) work and not our prayers that make faith work. What you see is what you get. It's a spiritual truth. Only believe. Only believe. Only believe.

We all fall into the spiral of unbelief from time to time and our faith gets deactivated when we elevate circumstance above who God says He is (and He is High above it all) 

But know this: No one can steal your inheritance from you as God's son/daughter. No one. Not even the devil. Only you can hinder yourself from receiving it.

Faith is for the reachers.

Maybe you see yourself typified in this portion of scripture as one of the dogs only unlike her, you are satisfied with crumbs that fall from the table. That is not your portion.

You have been called to sit and eat at the table and not the floor. Stop settling for bread crumbs when Christ has qualified you and openly invited you to sit and dine with Him at a feast prepared by God Himself just for you. So exercise your backbone. Get up from your knees, stand to see your bread then sit and eat it. It is yours. Reach out and take your portion.

When the ache to run quiets: A backstory

2012 was a year of restoration for me. Life had me crawling back into the arms of the Father when everything I had leaned on failed me. I had just graduated, was jobless, had no clue about what was to come next and even worse, I was not motivated. My life had become an empty shell as God had stripped me of every trophy I had. I couldn't write, I couldn't sing or record, and God told me to stop doing business (I was selling clothes) and just wait.

Wait? What for? Why? It was madness! Here I was having remembered and returned to the unfailing God I had walked away from years back, and instead of things picking up, my life seemed to be stalling. But I was looking through the glasses narrowly, and with time I realized that the wait was to afford me a time of anchoring in Christ and learn how to view life with heaven-sight. 

All the same, at that point in my life, the hurt had caused me to retract and step out of it all for a moment. The holes in my so called "5 year plan" shone bright like stars in the night sky. My choices stood lame before me.

All that time I was rushing through life busying myself, where was I running to?

What was I running from all those years?

Who was chasing me?

What was I trying to prove and to whom?

The heaviness of these pertinent questions that were running through my mind choked me. So I complied with God's instruction to wait. I stopped running, traded my track suit for a pair of jeans and a fitting tee, and I sat for a while and took in the world.

When most of your life is spent on the go, stillness can be unbearable. For most of the year, my life felt like an endless blur of nothingness. The simplicity of it all astounded me. If anyone asked what I was up to, i'd tell them that i wake up, take a shower, have some breakfast, then go to my bench someplace and watch the world spin madly about me. Then bright lights for sore eyes will remind me to go back home. And yes, I will press repeat the following day. It was a sarcastic way to put it, of course, but I was hurting.

In all honesty, for some time I felt like I was one less significant warm body in the world. There, but never quite registering much. I was the set of footprints always washed away by the tide before sunrise. Almost, but never close enough. I was the girl in the corner with nothing to chase. And the madness of this false reality ate at the walls of my mind.

Things began to change this February when God told me that He was proud of me, words that I had longed to hear as I had been wondering about it. He said that He had seen my fight and my faith, and was very proud of me. He told me that I give Him great joy.

But my first response was, "What for?" Yes. I didn't understand how God would be proud of me when I had nothing "grand" to show for the past year. Even more, I confessed to Him saying, "Of course You're proud of me even when I've done nothing. You're God. You're supposed to love me anyway."

That must have wounded Him. When you feel like God isn't enough, it points to the holes in your identity and relationship with Him, and mine made a loud creaking noise. I had to get to the end of myself, and that proved harder than it sounded. But I eventually resigned myself to Him. Because when you find out who you are when everything is taken from you, you can no longer hide behind things and doings but God alone. And that's when anchoring and establishment in Christ and God's purpose for you truly begins.

As for how this story ends or when, i'm unsure. I'm still in that season of stillness and my incessant urge to run has quieted down and eased within me. I no longer crave for senseless locomotion (story continues here)

And though it's taken a while, i've began to realize that the blueprint of my life is taking shape. I'm no longer going to run into castles and dreams so far removed from me but into solid doors and walls that God built with His Hands and I helped paint.

This is my peace: That the aching that flamed the seasons of running in my life was so that I would never have to run again.