For the weary and searching

Hi there?

Do you always feel the incessant need to "do, do, do" or be somewhere doing something productive, or busying yourself changing the world in your own little way and all that?

Then you and I are in the same boat. Is it a good place to be? Not really. Not at all. But I bet you already knew that.

Hi! My name is Koki and I struggle with performance identity.

Performance identity is when the urge to DO overpowers the need to BE.

Doing is an outflow of being. Not the reverse. Who you are defines what you do.

Think of it like this: When someone asks you, "Who are you?" How do you answer?

Probably with: I'm a musician, a banker, a writer, a lawyer, a fashion designer/model etc.

Now, forget what you do or your hobbies and interests. Scratch all that and answer the question. Who are you?

Makes it tougher, doesn't it?

Many times we put our identity in what we do because we never quite know who we are (or have the time or mind to bother to look deep inside to find out who God says we are)

The world demands that we be perfect and "put together" having figured it all out or else it points fingers and so we end up stuck finding our identity in performance - in career, in relationships, in every aspect of our lives. And many of us never get the chance to get out of that crazy spiral..

We get ourselves worked up to be accepted by the world/family or even worse, ourselves, in the hopes that we will fit into the standard of acceptance.

Ask yourself:

Who are you proving yourself to? Who do you need to see you perfect?

I realized that this mind-set is the reason why God has pushed pause on my life. And it has literally driven me crazy. I have screamed (inside and sometimes out) run away (to another country for refuge and rest many MANY TIMES) sulked (this one lasted and seems to be my automatic go-to) praised and given thanks (then gone back to sulking) wept (a lot. A LOT) slept for hours (got tired of it) pulled disappearing acts (till it gets really lonely) 

In short, every time i thought I was at my end, I found out I wasn't and that I still had a couple hundred tricks under my sleeves and even more masks in hiding to put on. And believe me, I have not fazed God. Not in the least bit. It's been a year+ and He is sooooooooooooooo unmoved.

The scary thing I realize is that maybe nothing from my situation will change until I see that I don't have to prove myself with God. That He can't say it enough: "Stop looking so far in the past. Stop thinking and looking so far into the future. I want you now. To abide with Me and abide in Me now."

That's what the birds do. They chirp and fly from tree to tree colouring the day, seizing the day in their own birdy way. That's why Christ told us to look at how they live. They live from moment to moment each day, but they live! 

The present has never been a focus of mine. Never. I scheme through here and now and the present lightly because, my God! Don't I have so many things I have to do and so little time?

I. Me. Finite. Flesh and bones and blood have plans that I need to see through. As if I know any better! I think I do. But do I? Do I really?

So I'm on time out. God has me on time out. There's no running from this. And I can do nothing but submit because you see, He loves me. And knows what's best for me. And this is Him working it all out for me.

"May I decrease that He may increase." << What did I think would happen when I prayed that so many times?

God is using this season to teach me to rest in Him. To just chill and love on Him. He's using this place i'm in to reduce my reputation to rubble and to grind the expectation of what my life is supposed to like into dust. Dust. All of me is dust.

And I can continue banging my hooves on concrete or I can just enter rest.  Surely, if I am on time out, I am on His time - He who can take me in a day where it would have taken me 15 years.

So why am I fretting? Really? Why do I so badly want to be relevant without sufficient knowledge, wisdom and understanding of who I am?

To all the people like me stranded at sea (on God's time out):

Be still. Surrender and just be. Find rest in just being, in resting in Him. Be content and thankful for the place you're in. Let His able arms carry you. Learn that and you'll learn the most important thing in life: In Him you live, in Him you move and in Him have your being.

You see, you appear stranded at sea but that's just Him separating you to Himself for some quality time. Why? So that in that season of seemingly nothingness you get to an intimate place with Him and know with undoubted conviction that He loves you, truly, madly, deeply, eternally, just as you are. And that nothing you do or don't do can or will change that.

God is ALREADY proud of you so stop trying so hard! Relish His love.

"We will never be secure until we realize we are fully loved by God no matter our failings." ~ Beth Moore.

Dear marooned at sea: This is a season of being anchored in Christ ALONE. And you'll be thankful for it someday..

Love,

Someone who totally gets it.