Everything is beautiful here

There are times you know you should burst out crying. Times when you're fighting tears as they stain the white of your eye because it's not a good time, they're people here, it's not dark yet. There's always a reason to cover, but when tears don't go out they dive in deep. And you can feel your heart getting heavy, insides too full tinged with pain it wants to burst right out the seams. So you fight it. You cover it. But your eyes betray you. And you watch your heart start to sink. And you walk away knowing very well it is a matter to be cried out and laid bare before God, but you don't want anyone asking questions. Not before you spill everything before Him. You've done it too many times before. And your eyes are still swollen red from yesterday. But you do it anyway hoping you'll get cried out someday. Someday... Does it ever come?

That was this morning for me. David and I were helping my mum edit, form and shape her online career coaching questions and she was using us to test it out and know what needed stitching and hammering. We've done it before. The last time I told her no but she begged me to, so I did. And I skated around my answers because it's a sore topic, and she should know better. This time, I cracked wide open and I went all samurai and swords on defense. Obviously, that didn't go well. And as I watched the conversation unfold before me, I knew the moment had burned itself in a wounded part of me that's still healing.

There's no easy way to say this: I'm not ok, but i'm fine. I've touched on most of it here so it wouldn't be that hard to put the pieces together. And it's partly the reason why I haven't blogged for a while. The greater part actually. I have days where I think, "This is it! I climbed right out of whatever this place is coz i've figured it out," only to find that there's still another layer peeling off me. And i've told Him how it drains me. How i'm afraid of spiraling. Everyday.

I'm in a better head space (and heart space) now, but July was a month of throwing hands up and flat out giving up. I was even questioning the point of life itself. I wasn't "changing the world" or doing anything meaningful so why was I still alive? I was not close to suicidal. Far from that. But I lost my connection to the world and life itself though I still lived. Everyday felt like all I was doing was breathing in air and breathing out. I'm trying to put it into words guys. I haven't even scratched the surface of my heart open enough yet so please, don't make assumptions. July had me poured out with still so much to empty. So I told God since I don't know what to do, i'll not do anything until I can't not do. I don't know if that makes sense.

The truth is, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't. There's no clarity or anything really. Some funk, huh? And my God I have tried. I've sent out CVs to magazine houses, newspapers, or anything that seemed within my scope of doing, but nothing. In all honesty, I wasn't that keen on much going through because I questioned my ability to deliver on the job (if I get it) because a bigger part of me was still wrecked and wounded. As for a solo thing, I have no clue what it would be and no juice anyway to do it. Sure, i can sing, write, and I have brilliant ideas but there's no wind under their wings for them to take flight.

So i've just been in a state of existence. It was worse in the first 3 weeks of July, but God didn't let me fall off the ledge. Of course I could listen to the endless questions and judgements hanging in the air, and I know at some point, they won't pierce me as deep as they do now.

I could say a lot more, really, but i've said enough. A godsend friend of mine, Mary, sent me a link to a youtube video of Steffani Frizell Gretzinger preaching, and it was such healing. It stilled me even though I cried calm tears and laughed out loud at some of her jokes. There's one thing she said I will carry with the me all the days of my life - I don't have to be ok or have it all figured out. I just have to be close (to God).

I just have to abide. To have myself gelled in Him. Just to be close. And in this place i'm in, I know and cherish Him as a hiding place. As a lover. A Father. A friend. A confidant. There's no greater substitute for what He is to me.

And this I know now more than ever: Everything is beautiful here.